Sex and the Prude

Our elders say (I’m not certain, but it sure makes sense to give them credit) “he who does not know, and knows that he does not know is a wise man, teach him; he who knows, and does not know that he knows is a foolish man, leave him; but he who does not know, and thinks that he knows is useless, KILL HIM!!!” the last 2 words as you have suspected are mine and are inspired by the movie 300

Why do I bore you with the longest proverb, that really isn’t a proverb? I’ll tell you.

It was a quiet day at work, as it usually is most of the time. It was a good thing it was quiet too because if it had been busy, the patient I’m about to talk about would have had me facing the Nigerian Medical and Dental Council on charges of gross misconduct, maybe get me suspended for a year too.

Anyways, to the story, it was quiet and I was jejely enjoying my browsing when this man walked in. He was between 35 – 40yrs in my estimation and he wore a black suit (or coat, I don’t know mehn) and carried one of those messenger type bags that quickly gave him away as the religious type. I relaxed and produced a false smile as I usually did whenever anyone interrupted me and my PC (only at work though, at home I just ignore you), and sat back to hear his complaint.

“I have just one problem” he announced in a tone I’ve heard many times. It was a tone that made me wish they had rushed in an unconscious octogenarian instead. Maybe it was the universe paying me back for misusing all that free time (should have been studying really). He then launched into a rather unpredictable albeit pathetic story that made me wish I wore a hooded gear with beats headphones under bumping to any rap song….even Raz-B’s. I would have recounted the whole story but I really wasn’t listening, he already lost me when he said “anytime I sleep with my wife, I have bruises on my penis, what do you think is the problem doc?”. I had to check my calendar to make sure I hadn’t mistakenly stepped into a time machine and warped all the way back to the Stone Age.

I’m not going to bore (or excite, depends on your poison) you with the details of the story, I’ll rather give a quick run-down of how I got bewildered.

So dude is uber religious, I’ll try again…he’s practises the beta version of christianity (intuitive me shey?), got married a while back, has a kid, never had sexual relationships prior to marriage (his wife neither according to him) and like he opened with, anytime he slept with his wife, he had bruises. My heart, at the end of the story, went out to his wife who must think it perfectly normal to have all those bruises and heat on her ‘beaver’. Shebi they said sex was painful, with her only period of respite and healing being her conception period and maybe the 3-5days she bleeds monthly.

So my annoyance here is why a man as old as he is doesn’t know that a woman is supposed to get wet before plunging. Here are two people who have never had sex (presumably – I’m cynical like that), and whose only knowledge of sex was that the wood goes into the beaver. It was shaming to say the least, more shaming was the fact that he probably isn’t the only one out there punishing some poor woman and himself inadvertently.

I decided to send a mini-appeal to all you ‘proud prudes’ out there, learn about sex, it’s a requirement. Everyone should know about sex. A man who knows he’s destined to be a carpenter does not just buy wood and nails and hope to manufacture perfect furniture. He starts by watching others, maybe practicing on other wood and reading about furniture. Same thing goes for sex, if you haven’t decided to sign-up for life-long celibacy and plan to have sex one day, u should learn to fuck and do it right.

We live in a liberal society (a bit too liberal sometimes), you can chose to

1. Watch porn. The society we live in now is liberal (a bit too liberal I might add), pornography (all forms) is not only available but accessible…endeavour to avail yourselves the opportunity provided instead on going on to be a one (wo)man bruise making machine.
2. Read about sex. I’m sure there are books out there that teach about sex. These are the types of porn disguised as educational, read them and imbibe and you may be actually close to the real thing when it happens.
3. DO IT!!! I saved the best for the last. If you are going to fumble around and manufacture bruises, do it when you’re a teen. I’m not advising promiscuity, just find a middle ground between promiscuity and chastity, with a slight tilt towards the former, call me when you do, (females only).

I guess all I’m saying in essence is, sex isn’t Nike, and you don’t ‘just do it’ regardless of all you’ve heard. I make no pretences, I’m not a bad guy, I don’t know bad guys like whiz-kid, I don’t even know 90% of what I attempt to teach. It just doesn’t make sense for you to bother a chap who’s leisurely typing away on his pc with issues your mates would naturally have helped you solved in secondary school. It’s just a pity the people who really need this won’t be reading it. If you get around to reading this (yes you! You’re the only one who ever visits) help me get the message out, because if I have one more patient who surfs on sand………..you know, doesn’t grease the engine (i’m horrible with metaphors)……..it could probably signal the end of my romance with the council.

I believe I have done enough to make sure on your wedding night (or in the case of this man, years into your marriage), you are not more useless than a Paul Scholes tackle. A word is enough for the wise they say.

Ciao.